Five days out of the week I sit down to take my lunch somewhere between 9:45 and 9:58 AM. Usually it’s a lousy sandwich or a can of Campbells soup with a side of dry cereal. When im lucky I can piece together the many segments of newspaper spread carelessly around the breakroom at work. Its on those days that I get to check out the hockey section of the sports. Since that’s usually only a couple of sentences I quickly move on to read about upcoming movies and currently-playing-movies reviews. Its there that ive found that whoever reviews the movies for the local paper must be related to the Editor in Chief. After reading his columns and seeing a few movies, I now know to not take this joker seriously, and in fact, to disregard his views all together.
Now, indulge me for a moment on the off chance that this “expert” stumbles upon this blog.
Dear Moron:
Obviously you don’t know jack about your field. You recently graded Unknown as an A-, and Megamind as a C-. Well, some time has passed now and anybody that has seen these movies and has two braincells to rub together knows that you’re a hack. You claimed Unknown is a “finely crafted, fast-paced thriller”. That may actually be true except that it came out 9 years late!! This awesome premise that a guy with memory loss comes to realize that he isn’t who he thinks he is, and turns out to be a highly skilled assassin actually came out in 2002 and was called The Bourne Identity! It had a better plot, a better hero and way better action! And anyone that witnessed Liam Neeson’s greatness as an aged action-hero in Taken is in for a letdown with the far slower Unknown. Don’t get me wrong, the movie isn’t terrible. Its just nowhere close to an A-. If it weren’t so slow, if it wasn’t based on so many obvious coincidences and if its big reveal didn’t come in the very non-climatic discussion with his wife in a museum, it may have qualified for a B+.
In your infinite wisdom you also crapped all over Megamind saying it was too cliché and left too many loose ends. Its an effing cartoon you jackhole! Sure, its based on the age-old formula of “good vs evil”, but it does it with good story-telling, good characters and a good combination of both in-your-face and subtle humor. What more do you want out of a Dreamworks picture anyway? (Okay, that may have been a little biased.) Seriously though, the fact that you would recommend Unknown over Megamind so strongly is a sign of your obvious incompetence. Do the world a favor and focus on your true calling - annoying your mom with your obnoxious opinions from your bedroom in her basement.
Thank you.
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