A Universal Shower

Okay, I feel like I've stood idly by and watched this problem be overlooked and ignored for too long. I am a morning showerer. Sometimes if I've had a particularly disgusting day - perhaps i played some drop-in hockey, or spent some time cleaning up the crawl-space under my home - then I would feel inclined to shower before I laid my smelly soul to rest in my bed, but 98% of the time I shower first thing in the morning. It wakes me up, its refreshing, it gets me out of my pajamas and helps to rinse off that flop-sweat I seem to be getting while I sleep more and more as I get older. That's fine except, depending on when I wake up, I get a Pandora's box of water temperature spewing from my shower head. I cant figure out if it has something to do with the time of day, or just depends on when my brother has showered, run the washing machine et cetera. Now, I recently got back from a trip to see my family in California and had the privilege of staying with my older brother Josh and his wife and boys at their home. Nice place, but when I went to take a shower, I felt like a complete retard trying to figure out how to get the right temperature going. I imagine I looked a lot like if someone were to introduce George Washington to an iPhone, or Britney Spears to the game of chess. I kind of just stared at it cross-eyed with spittle dripping from my mouth for a good 9 seconds. It was one of those old school type of showers that had two nobs (neither one labeled with words or colors) that you have to mix like the worlds lamest chemistry set. Not only that, but both nobs turn forty-five times, eighteen of those times occurs before water even begins to trickle out, so you get carpal tunnel from twisting them before you figure out which ones hot and which ones cold because it takes so long for the water temperature to adjust to your incessant turning. After a few minutes my brother calls in through the door "You figure out the shower in there alright?" To which I mask my frustration with a more grateful tone and reply "Oh yeah, not a problem!" Now since the water has been running and running and only my hands are wet from reaching in I start to feel the pressure of what they can only be imagining is taking me so long, so I just jump in. Thank goodness I somehow managed to get the water a few degrees above freezing so I narrowly avoided hypothermia. Some version of this same thing happens every time I visit a friends house or stay in a hotel. I cant figure out why we cant universalize this whole shower thing and put my shower-nob-anxiety to bed for good. Here in America we have certain things we've all agreed upon to make things easier. We drive on the right side of the road, doorknobs turn toward the hinges to open, side-by-side refrigerators have the freezer on the left... why cant we agree upon a shower system?! Seriously, some have the nob you have to pull out from the wall first, some look like a stick shift, some have the dial that goes clockwise to get hot and some have dials that go counterclockwise. How many millions of gallons of water are wasted by people like me who are scared the water is going to be so cold it will flash freeze them like a salmon or so hot it will boil them alive like a frickin' lobster!? So this is my proposed solution; we work showers across the states like we do an oven. Not the old turn the dial past broil and then a few clicks past 325 degrees ones though. The new kind of ovens are the ones I'm talking about. The ones that have a digital display and an up arrow and a down arrow. So, when I get up in the morning I go to the shower panel, I press the arrows until I get it to my preferred temperature, somewhere around 108 degrees (higher in the winter and lower in the summer months) and let it begin to run and "pre-heat". It gives me enough time to take my morning whiz, and then, when its reached my desired temp a little light could click on, or off, or whatever to indicate its ready and I jump right in nary a headache over the nobs again! I'm just asking for some uniformity, and if we can do it for an oven, I'm pretty sure we can do it for a shower without it costing an arm and a leg.

Best Served Burnouts

We are well into April now and fast approaching Easter. Does anyone know any good Easter-themed movies? Me neither so I'm going to bypass Easter and center this blog entry around the other holiday in April. 4/20. I feel its appropriate to exploit this piece of cannabis-driven-culture with a little tribute to some of my favorite big screen heshers. (Disclaimer: I do not participate in, nor endorse the use of marijuana. I appreciate the following movies like I appreciate good villains. Just because I liked Hans Landa doesn't mean I'm going to start rounding up Jews. Likewise, I am not promoting the use of weed or any other drugs.)

I'm going to begin with 1998's Half-Baked. All of you that have seen Chappelle's Show or have watched or heard any of Dave's stand up know that he kills. He anchors the cast of Half-Baked as Thurgood, partnering up with Jim Breuer as Brian, (the white-guy-piece of the multicultural trifecta) and Scarface, the stereotypical urban Hispanic played by Guillermo Diaz. The three of them set out determined to free their incarcerated friend Kenny, played by Harlon Williams, after he unintentionally kills a cop's diabetic horse by feeding it junk food.

Thurgood, a part-time janitor, and his perpetually stoned buddies are on a mission to scrape up enough money to bail Kenny out of jail in an effort to preserve his innocence and masculinity before he is "corrupted" by his six-foot-plus musclebound cellmate. Among his usual maintenance work Thurgood discovers that the facility he works in has a government run lab dedicated to the research of marijuana. So, by using stolen requisition forms he and his cohorts go about attaining bricks upon bricks of weed and selling it all over New York.

This movie is packed full of great characters and great dialogue. In the movie we meet the likes of the MacGyver Smoker, who is the handiest guy to have around when dealing with all things reefer related. "Hey man, we're out of rolling papers."

"Alright then give me a toilet paper roll, a corkscrew and some tinfoil."

"But, we don't have a corkscrew..."

"Okay, then get me an avocado, an ice pick and my snorkel. Trust me bro, I've made bongs with less. now, hurry up!"

Characters like the MacGyver Smoker, the Enhancement Smoker the I'm Only Creative When I Smoke Smoker and the Historian Smoker are just a few of the funny interjections we get from outside of the comical trio of misfits.

Is it silly? Yes. Is it lacking any real-life believability? Duh! Its made by a pack of stoners FOR stoners. But its more than just mildly amusing to those of us who aren't high - Its hilarious!

So, if you have a free rental coupon, and you're out and about, treat yourself to this movie, and while you're at it "Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man. Some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Haagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and make s'mores man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries. Pizzas. Two big pizzas, man. Everything on 'em, with water, a whole lotta water. And Funyons."

Friday. Starring Ice Cube as Craig, and Chris Tucker as Smokey. This movie might best illustrate the type of neighborhood my brothers and sisters and I grew up in. Friday is a cultural icon where I lived so much so that my classmates and I actually watched this movie in school when I was in Junior High. As the title suggests, the story takes place in one day as it follows Craig and Smokey through their activities, encounters, and predicaments.

Its the story that's as old as time itself. The one guy gets fired from his job and inevitably gets caught up in the mess of his best friend, who is a drug dealer that ends up owing his supplier $200 bucks for the weed that he smoked instead of sold. We've all been there. Okay so the movies doesn't have much by way of storyline. Its mostly two guys just hanging out. But, the hyjinx ensues as these two go about their day avoiding the neighborhood bully, working through their own relationship troubles, and observing the day to day life of many other amusing characters on their block. Some consider it a ruder, cruder version of House Party, and there is no doubt that it can be classified as a hip-hop, ghetto comedy. But although it was obviously and unapologetically created for a specific demographic, the years have shown that it is well respected among people from a surprisingly large variety of backgrounds.

The chemistry alone between Craig's laid back nature and Smokey's hyper-active and loud-mouthed demeanor are reason enough to watch this movie. Early on that Friday morning Smokey approaches Craig with "Why you not goin' to work?"

To which Craig replies matter-of-factly "I got fired yesterday."

"No kidding? I thought you had the day off yesterday."

"I did. I went in to pick up my check, came home, my supervisor called me about four o'clock, told me they got me on tape stealing boxes."

"What you stealing boxes for? What you tryin' to build, a clubhouse?" (Conversation edited for language)

Because of conversations like this and many others is why I have Smokey as one of my all-time favorite movie potheads.

My favorite stoner movie though is Pineapple Express from 2008. I have seen Friday more times than I can count and have half of the dialogue committed to memory, but Pineapple Express has not only my #1 movie burnout, but perhaps one of my favorite movie characters of all time. I have only seen Pineapple maybe 3 times, and the story isn't exactly a masterpiece, but James Franco's Saul Silver is played to absolute perfection.

The movie actually centers around Dale, played by the world-famous pothead Seth Rogen (playing what I can only imagine will be the easiest role of his career) as a court-process clerk who spends the better part of his existence smoking weed. Between visiting his high school aged girlfriend on campus and finishing his days work of serving people their court summons, he meets up with his dealer, Saul, who introduces him to a new "breed" of marijuana known as pineapple express. "Just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to mankind." Saul tells him.

"It's really that rare?" "It's, like, the rarest. It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn. With... like, a bomb."

Dale continues on, after getting baked with Saul, to his last delivery of the day when he incidentally becomes the lone witness to a murder by a crooked cop and notorious druglord. In his panic to escape the scene, Dale drops his roach of his pineapple express and finds himself approaching Saul again, but this time to find out just how rare that strain of weed really is. As it turns out, it is extremely rare and can be easily traced back to Dale and Saul. They run for their lives in a weed-exaggerated state of fear and paranoia. "Even if he found that roach, how could he find us?" Dale asks as they hideout in the woods.

"Umm... heat-seeking missiles... bloodhounds... and foxes... barracudas..."

"I'm just - kind of flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird."

"Thank you."

"Not a compliment."

Upon first glance, or even first viewing, this movie may not seem to amount to much but the second time I watched it and really listened to the dialogue being exchanged I laughed uncontrollably. James Franco is awesome, Danny McBride contributes plenty of great comedy from the side and the movie delivers some great one-liners and a funny and heartfelt "bromance". If movies of this genre were considered for awards, James Franco would have gotten Best Supporting Actor, if for nothing more than him driving around a stolen cop car with his leg stuck through the windshield.

Pray For It To Stop

Eat Pray Love "Liz Gilbert, played by Julia Roberts, has everything a modern woman is supposed to dream of having - a husband, a house, a good job - yet like so many others, she found herself feeling overwhelmed, confused, and searching for what she thought she wanted in life..." In this movie, the marriage doesn't seem to have any real problems. We never witness a fight. Her husband doesn't seem like a cheater or a sleaze. In fact, overall he seems like a very decent individual that she clearly cared for. Was the problem that he wanted to someday have a family and she had sworn off ever having children? (A quick detour; What kind of woman never wants to have kids? There are obviously some deep-seeded issues with a woman who is committed to NOT having kids. As humans we are sort of "pre-programmed" to have certain instincts and desires, like self-preservation and for most women - child bearing.) Anyway, all in a moment of detachment and self-pity, she wakes her husband and tells him that she doesn't want to be married anymore. He is left off-guard, dejected and without any real explanation. I wish I had realized that what I was beginning would end up being 2+ hours of some of the most frustratingly painful story ever put on film. Based on a true story I might add. This woman Elizabeth is supposed to be the protagonist? A hero? An example? I'm supposed to somehow side with this heartless broad? So, off she goes on a mission of pure self-indulgence. Lots of traveling, lots of food and lots of meaningless flings with random men. I guess only if she were harpooning special-needs dolphins could she possibly seem like a more unlikable, self-absorbed, narcissistic shrew. Is she supposed to be inspiring to the viewers? I mean, what exactly is the message? Are we supposed to resolve to all abandon are spouses when we face a difficult time? This movie pisses me off! "Hey, if for whatever reason you run into a trial in your life, you will find solace and satisfaction only if you abandon everyone who loves you, glut yourself on any food you see and hookup with whoever makes you feel wanted at the moment!" Awesome! Message received. I'm sorry, but through the entire movie I kept wondering about her poor ex-husband. There is a scene in the movie where he is refusing to divorce her. He seems confused and betrayed, wanting so sort things out. After finally realizing that he is completely helpless, he grants her the divorce and is left alone and depressed with his life now torn apart. He looks victimized, and she comes off looking like a shallow, pleasure-seeking, responsibility-avoiding, escapist. By the way, if the main character in this movie was a man, there would be women's rights groups picketing every showing, and there would be endless screaming on daytime talk shows by the likes of Oprah and Tyra. I hate this movie. I hate the main character. I hate the message. Its not engaging. Its not inspiring. Well, I feel like I'm running out of steam convincing you that this is not worth anybodies time. Please, do not support this garbage. The only redeeming quality after sitting through all of the nonsense was seeing the ex-husband at the end, happily married with a kid. I wish I could sue the studio that created this for the dollar it cost me to Redbox it and for the 2+ hours of my life I'll never get back.

Top 5 Movie Villains

This segment is pretty much self-explanatory so I'm just going to break right in with my Top 5 Movie Villains starting with...

#5 Percy Wetmore from The Green Mile. Those of you who have watched this movie know exactly what I'm talking about. Percy is a prison guard at The Green Mile who delights in the aggravating of both the prisoners and his colleagues. Its frustrating to see the other prison guards suppress their disdain for Percy because of his being the nephew of the Governor. His intentional neglecting to wet the sponge in the botched execution of inmate Eduard Delacroix is disturbing and painful to watch. Almost equally as soul-jarring as Percy's deliberately burning Eduard alive in front of a horrified audience is his stomping on the sweet-natured Mr. Jingles, Eduards tamed "circus mouse" and cellmate. While Eduard is screaming in shock, Percy carries a look of satisfaction, obviously pleased with successfully tormenting him. Percy's arrogance and coldness throughout the movie make him a great and despicable villain. One that I cant help but wish I could repeatedly punch in the throat. #4 Owen Davian played by the ever-so-talented Phillip Seymour Hoffman in 2006's Mission: Impossible III. The beginning sequence of this movie where Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) and his wife are held captive by the black market arms dealer Davian and his cronies is fast and shockingly intense. All within two-and-a-half minutes, Davian attempts to extract information about the mysterious doomsday device known as the "Rabbit's Foot" from Ethan, (who is helplessly bound to a chair) by threatening to execute his wife on the count of ten. Ethan desperately insists he delivered it and then pleads with the stone-faced Davian to "do what's right". The cold-hearted Davian doesn't spare a second and shoots her in the head on ten. It comes as freshly unexpected in a series that features the mostly invulnerable Ethan Hunt. This scene sets a tone for the movie and creates a startling image of what this cruel and icy antagonist is capable of. Later in the movie (although chronologically before the opening), in a scene where the tables have turned and Owen Davian is in Hunt's custody and threatened with being thrown from a plane he replies to Ethans demands with chilling calmness. "What's your name? Do you have a wife? A girlfriend? Because if you do, I'm gonna find her. I'm gonna hurt her. I'm gonna make her bleed, and cry, and call out your name. And then I'm gonna find you, and kill you right in front of her." For a guy known for roles more like Sandy Lyle, the former teen actor and best friend of Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly, Phillip Seymour Hoffman surprised me as a terrifying criminal mastermind. At first glance, he looks like a guy who would approach your doorstep with a plate of homemade cookies or someone you would engage in a game of D&D, but he proves that he is not to be taken lightly in this typically-predictable role opposite Tom Cruise.

#3 Col. William Tavington played by Jason Isaacs in The Patriot. He carries out his duty with a mind fixed on "Total War", the mindset of treating anyone suspected of helping the enemy as an enemy. He slaughters civilians with indifference. He proudly shoots and kills Benjamin Martin's (Mel Gibson) 15-year old son and arrests his oldest with the intention of publicly hanging him. While Martin leads a militia to strike back, Colonel Tavington heartlessly extorts information from and then burns alive anyone he suspects to be friend or family of the band of rebels. Along his ruthless search for Ben Martin, Tavington even manages to fall out of favor with his superior - General Cornwallis, who is disgusted with his disregard for humanity and the rules of war. When I watched The Patriot I remember thinking that Jason Isaacs perfectly personified pure evil. (How's that for alliteration?) I couldn't help but cheer for Ben Martin and hoped for sweet revenge to be granted him. Anyone that has seen this would have to admit to feeling satisfied by Mel Gibson avenging his sons' death by way of bayonet. To this very day, when I am offended or annoyed by someones carelessness or disregard for others - I catch myself thinking "If only I had a bayonet right now!" #2 T-800. That's right. The Terminator. Choppy haircut and all! If you say you weren't scared of Arnold Swarzenegger in this movie you were either in a drug-fueled coma or you're a liar. In his relentless pursuit for Sarah Connor he went around shooting middle-aged ladies on sight and laid waste to an entire police station. He feels no pain. He has no emotion. And nothing is scarier than when you re being chased by a 'roided-up Austrian machine who is so confident he is going to catch and murder you that he just casually walks. The walking thing alone gave me nightmares. It does some sort of psychological damage. "This guy is so sure he's gonna kill me he doesn't even care enough to run?! Holy crap... I'm screwed." He's on a mission from the future to perform a kind of "retroactive abortion" on a woman destined to birth the savior of mankind. It didn't matter if he was shot, burned, crushed, or blown up... In the words of Kyle Reese "It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead." With his limited dialogue and complete vacancy of any feelings the Terminator is without a doubt one of the most feared villains of all time.

#1 Col. Hans Landa A.K.A. the Jew Hunter. Now, let me explain a little bit. The T-800 took #2 with almost a pure terror quality. Col. Landa, I contend, is the greatest villain in modern cinema because of a perfect combination of cunning sadism and a certain amount of likability. If you haven't watched Quentin Tarantino's remake of Inglourious Basterds, its worth renting for the opening scene alone. Christoph Waltz plays Hans Landa, a detective for the Waffen-SS who approaches and interrogates a french dairy-farmer on the rumor that he is hiding a Jewish family on his property. He's all-at-once charming, charismatic, threatening, highly educated and proudly insensitive. He engages the dairy-farmer in a long conversation, even enjoying a smoke and a glass of fresh milk before ultimately slaughtering everyone, including the family hiding beneath the floorboards, with an endless flurry of machine gun fire. If that isn't enough to make your skin crawl, he later chokes out a woman with his bare hands and shows that he is in fact so evil that he would gladly let Germany fall if he would, in any way, benefit. Its the combination of pure genius and pure evil that qualify him as the Grand Dragon of villains. When considering the Jew Hunter for the number one spot on my Top 5 Movie Villains, I couldn't help but think "Oooh, that's a bingo!!"

A few honorable mentions would include the late, great Heath Ledger as the Joker in The Dark Knight. He carried a lot of the same qualities as Col. Landa in that he was ultimately very disturbed and sinister but simultaneously fun and likable. Heath Ledger's Joker is easily the greatest all time comic-book movie villain and just as easily could have been my #6. Also on my list of villains who would be in a top 10 would be Javier Bardem's "creepy-dude-whose-name-I-don't-know" from No Country For Old Men. He is cut out of the same mold as Arnold's Terminator. He never runs, he kills without any thought or emotion, he has very little dialogue, and perhaps the creepiest thing... a horrible haircut. Others may include Hannibal (Anthony Hopkins) with his eerie charm and overall psychological brilliance as the cannibalistic serial killer in The Silence of The Lambs, Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) the lead terrorist of the Nakatomi Plaza takeover in Die Hard, or the ever-recognizable Darth Vader from StarWars.

***For the sake of conversation, please reply with your own list of top 5 movie villains with or without an explanation. I hate to sound like your Sunday School teacher but, if you participate there is a good chance you will enjoy the Reel World experience even more! ***

Top 5 Trilogies

First, let me explain my own personal criteria for this segment. A trilogy is any three related works. To me, this doesn’t disqualify any if they exceed three pieces, but for my list the original three will carry the bulk of the responsibility really only to be ruined by any half-baked additional pictures. Now let’s dive right in!

#5. From 1985, ’89, and ’90, Back to the Future. These movies are as fun today (if not better for their time-capsule value) as they were in the Eighties. This three-part comical adventure is good in its entirety as well as three stand alone movies with great characters and fantastic story-arcs. There are undoubtedly some cheesy moments throughout the series, but each pales in comparison to the pure fun of following Marty McFly and Doc Brown in their attempt to explore time travel while avoiding the potential dangers of effecting their own existence, as well as the many incarnations of Biff Tannon who always manages to threaten the success of their mission. What may be the most impressive thing about the trilogy is its ability to follow the same general idea in each movie while never feeling exploited or repetitive. Many trilogies build on the success of the first piece by recycling the same scenarios and jokes but Back to the Future always feels fresh. Its weakest link, in my opinion, is the second part. I give it a pass because it takes place largely in the future and is based around Robert Zemeckis’ interpretation, which sometimes feels far-fetched and cartoony. The series strength lies in the original though I’ve always loved the third one despite the fact that I’m not a big fan of the western genre.

#4. Indiana Jones. I had a hard time with this one because I absolutely love the first three adventures of Indiana Jones but almost left it out of my top 5 because of the abortion we know as The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. So, ignoring that one altogether we have a trilogy starring the greatest all-time scientist/action-hero ever! Action, comedy, relic-hunting in ancient ruins… what more can you ask for? Nobody makes history more exciting than the Ford/Spielberg duo. Though I can’t really single one out as a strength or weakness to the series I have without a doubt seen The Temple of Doom the most times. As a kid, my friends and I would run that show on an endless loop. I don’t know if it was the gross-out factor of seeing people eat monkey brains or the sheer terror of witnessing someone getting their heart torn out of their chest, but from top to bottom it was non-stop entertainment!

#3. StarWars. Screw episodes 1-3 completely. The original trilogy is absolutely epic and has become a piece of our culture. Excluding the insecure guys that are trying to protect some macho reputation, I think most of us can admit to watching, and re-watching George Lucas’ masterpiece that ultimately changed the Science-fiction genre forever. I don’t think there is a more recognizable cast of characters than the Han Solo, Chewbacca, Darth Vader, Master Yoda and Princess Leia ensemble. While Return of the Jedi is surely one of the greatest movies to ever be created I cannot overlook the pure genius that is The Empire Strikes Back. I don’t think, in the history of cinema, there is a greater movie where the antagonist consistently wins like in 'Empire. The Hoth base is destroyed, Han Solo is frozen, the heroes hand is chopped off all while weaving through a dark, gripping plot and not leaving the viewer completely unsatisfied by the end. These films will forever be celebrated and timeless, regardless of the releasing of new additions.

#2. The Bourne Trilogy. This is hands down the greatest action/thriller trilogy ever. It achieves the perfect combination of an intriguing plot and fast-paced action. It could easily be in anyone’s top ten based on its heart-pumping chase scenes alone! Matt Damon owns his role as the self-discovering assassin/fugitive. Each successive addition continually matches and exceeds its predecessor while collectively building perfectly to the overall story and individually still maintaining perfectly satisfying conclusions. Overall, the series is packed with suspense, storytelling, dialogue and cutting-edge cinematography. Jason Bourne is the real deal and after seeing this trilogy James Bond, John McClain and Rambo will seem like just a few more of your mom’s friends.

#1. Toy Story. My guess is you won’t find this atop most people’s lists, perhaps because it’s a cartoon or aimed toward children, but I maintain that this is the greatest trilogy to hit the big screen because of its mass appeal to people of all ages and its ability to tell a fantastic story and touch on such a wide range of human emotions. These movies are just impossible not to love. Woody, Buzz and Co. never fail to deliver a great story that is equally hilarious, insightful and touching. Anyone whose heart was not wrenched by Jesse’s Ballad in Toy Story 2 or can walk away from any of these movies without a smile needs to be checked for a pulse. Pixar’s attention to detail and masterful storytelling somehow got better and better after the smash-hit original. The final movie is a perfect finale to a fantastic prison-break and an absolutely epic tale of childhood and growing up. Whether you’re 3 years old or breathing your last breath as a Wal-mart greeter, these movies are both poignant and thoroughly entertaining!

(A few side notes: Jurassic Park was awesome, especially for its time but The Lost World and Jurassic Park III were garbage. Karate Kid was another trilogy that ruined its legacy with below-average sequels. Spiderman and Spiderman 2 were great but the third one was a steaming pile of donkey flop. Even as a hockey fan I couldn’t believe that someone suggested Mighty Ducks as a top ten trilogy let alone a top five. Blade is another that, while it may be good for genre lovers, it has no place in an all-time list. If any of you are thinking I should have included the Transporter films, do the world a favor and put down the pipe.)

Many of you are wondering why you don’t see The Lord of the Rings or The Godfather among my top 5. Well, I definitely think there is a place for both of them in the top ten but for me, The Lord of the Rings was directed toward a smaller audience and to be honest, for me, they were just too friggin’ long and I couldn’t stay awake long enough to figure out which dwarf was good and what old guy in robes was bad. Great movies just not in my top 5. As for Godfather, I’ll just be honest and say that I’ve only seen bits and pieces of them on TV so I couldn’t fairly put it on my list. A couple other honorable mentions would be Terminator and Terminator 2 which were followed by some disappointing sequels and Austin Powers which, in a pure comedy trilogy would be in my top 3.

A Note to the Movie Guy

Five days out of the week I sit down to take my lunch somewhere between 9:45 and 9:58 AM. Usually it’s a lousy sandwich or a can of Campbells soup with a side of dry cereal. When im lucky I can piece together the many segments of newspaper spread carelessly around the breakroom at work. Its on those days that I get to check out the hockey section of the sports. Since that’s usually only a couple of sentences I quickly move on to read about upcoming movies and currently-playing-movies reviews. Its there that ive found that whoever reviews the movies for the local paper must be related to the Editor in Chief. After reading his columns and seeing a few movies, I now know to not take this joker seriously, and in fact, to disregard his views all together.

Now, indulge me for a moment on the off chance that this “expert” stumbles upon this blog.

Dear Moron:

Obviously you don’t know jack about your field. You recently graded Unknown as an A-, and Megamind as a C-. Well, some time has passed now and anybody that has seen these movies and has two braincells to rub together knows that you’re a hack. You claimed Unknown is a “finely crafted, fast-paced thriller”. That may actually be true except that it came out 9 years late!! This awesome premise that a guy with memory loss comes to realize that he isn’t who he thinks he is, and turns out to be a highly skilled assassin actually came out in 2002 and was called The Bourne Identity! It had a better plot, a better hero and way better action! And anyone that witnessed Liam Neeson’s greatness as an aged action-hero in Taken is in for a letdown with the far slower Unknown. Don’t get me wrong, the movie isn’t terrible. Its just nowhere close to an A-. If it weren’t so slow, if it wasn’t based on so many obvious coincidences and if its big reveal didn’t come in the very non-climatic discussion with his wife in a museum, it may have qualified for a B+.

In your infinite wisdom you also crapped all over Megamind saying it was too cliché and left too many loose ends. Its an effing cartoon you jackhole! Sure, its based on the age-old formula of “good vs evil”, but it does it with good story-telling, good characters and a good combination of both in-your-face and subtle humor. What more do you want out of a Dreamworks picture anyway? (Okay, that may have been a little biased.) Seriously though, the fact that you would recommend Unknown over Megamind so strongly is a sign of your obvious incompetence. Do the world a favor and focus on your true calling - annoying your mom with your obnoxious opinions from your bedroom in her basement.

Thank you.

A few opinions to digest

Alright, now for some rapid fire opinions on some movies I’ve seen over the last month or two.

Paranormal Activity. When this movie was in theatres I remember overhearing a conversation in the office at work where someone was explaining , “Now, I’m no lightweight. I do not scare easy. I’m no wuss, but Paranormal Activity scared the bejesus out of me!” Well, I had already seen the trailers and wasn’t too impressed. These poltergeist-types are a dime a dozen these days and it just looked like a film trying to exploit a TV phenomenon. But the guy I was hearing give his terrified testimonial was pretty convincing so I had to see for myself.

Paranormal Activity does a couple of really awesome things. First, they begin the movie with a thank you to the San Diego police department for releasing the material that the viewer is about to witness. For those of you that remember The Blair Witch Project, you may remember that the intrigue that propelled it to horror deity was the possibility that it was actual footage. Paranormal Activity follows the same blueprint by having unknown actors, using their real names, teamed up with horrible camera-work which together create an amateurish, close-to-home feeling that seems to work so well for the genre. I compare it a little to when my siblings and I would watch Unsolved Mysteries on Sunday nights. I knew it was all re-enacted and embellished but the idea that it was based on a sliver of truth caused us all to check and recheck the locks on the backdoor and close all the blinds and drapes. It’s the antithesis of the “Jason X; Jason In Space” or whatever… I don’t ever remember watching a movie like that and thinking “I sure hope the next time im hanging out with a bunch of irresponsible college students in an abandoned space-station I don’t run into that guy!”

So, while Paranormal Activity did have some suspenseful moments and some great production ideas, I do not join the ranks of those who worship it as a horror top ten. My opinion is simply based on the fact that its hard for me to be scared of nothing. The entire movie is based on noises and superstition. There is nothing there to be scared of except your own beliefs or ideals. Some would argue that’s exactly what makes it so great, I’m just not on board. The movie feels a little repetitive and drawn-out in a lot of moments and there isn’t really a big payoff at the end to make it worthwhile. When all is said and done though, this movie was reportedly made on an estimated $15,000 budget and grossed close to $108,000,000. So, love it or hate it; mission accomplished.

Easy A. Okay, so when I first looked this movie up it was listed with other recommendations such as 40 year old Virgin, I Love you, Man, and Going the Distance giving me the impression it was just gonna be another one of those teenager-targeted raunchy comedies. But, after watching it, I was pleasantly surprised that it had very little in common with any of those titles. Easy A is fun, fast and clever from its story and script to its acting and accuracy in recreating a high school experience.

Often times when describing movies I try to use other movies as benchmarks to help create an image for someone who hasn’t seen it. For example, an easy one would be if I were trying to describe Armageddon to someone. I would say something like “It’s like Deep Impact, except its good and not horribly long and boring!” On second thought, that’s a horrible example because everyone has seen Armageddon and I think I’m the only retard that sat through Elijah Wood staring at a tidal wave for two-and-a-half hours. But I think you can get the idea. For Easy A, I would relate it to Juno and Mean Girls. Its witty and funny and somehow manages to carry some good, subtle life lessons on honesty, gossip and abstinence. Maybe the greatest thing about it is that you can sit through 90 minutes and not find a big glaring problem with it. It’s solid from beginning to end. If you haven’t seen it, surely it wouldn’t hurt to.

Apocalypto. I finally watched this movie after neglecting it for so long. In my own defense though, I never really heard anything about it when it came out. I know lots of people saw it, but apparently nobody had much to say. It’s hard not to marvel at the amount of work done for this movie. The amount of detail and historical value alone is worth watching. The biggest strike against it is obvious. Its 140 minutes long. But, if you have half-a-day free and you’ve not seen Apocalypto yet I would recommend it. Who doesn’t like a movie about a young Mayan warrior defending his child and pregnant wife against all odds? “I am Jaguar Paw! This is my forest! My sons and their sons will hunt here after I am gone!” Immediately im on board and rooting for this guy, booby-traps and all! I compare it to a kind of Mexican Home Alone. Alright, so they aren’t Mexican… whatever. But really, whats the difference between Jaguar Paw’s declaration and Kevin McAllister saying “This is my house, I have to defend it!”?

A killer first review

Im going to begin my attack on "The Shining". You've all seen the poster with Jack Nicholson breaking through the wooden door with his maniacal eyes and smile, and we have all heard the line "Here's Johnny!" referenced one-thousand times. Has anyone born in the last 35 years actually watched this movie? Over the last couple years I have become more of a fan of the horror genre, not because of the rich and compelling plots, or the award-warranting performances- contrary to what most of you thought- but because of the thrill. The same reason we like to ride rollercoasters and running from the police. We enjoy the adrenaline and the terror. I'm not into the gore for gore's sake though I am guilty of sitting through some of the most disturbingly gruesome scenes put on film. I just like a movie to suck me in, suprise me and scare me. And, if im being totally honest, if you like to watch bad movies for the sake of picking them apart (like I do), then the horror genre is an overflowing well that never runs dry. While looking for suggestions for horror movies to watch I've stumbled across way too many "Top 10 Horror Movie" lists topped by "The Shining". Finally, after listening through a radio show where the host rambled on and on about how great a film it was I decided to watch it. This is not a great film. But I get it. It was made in 1980, so perhaps im desensitized by the newer concepts and the special effects of todays cinema. It was based on a book by Stephen King who is essentially the Godfather of Horror and directed by Stanley Kubrick who was fresh off of the set of highly-favored movies like "A Clockwork Orange" and "2001: A Space Odyssey" so I can see how people at the time were almost predisposed to love this movie. It's story is based around a writer, Jack (Jack Nicholson), and his family who agree to be caretakers of an empty hotel throughout the winter season. Cabin fever and writers-block drive Jack to insanity and his son, Danny keeps seeing disturbing images during their stay. Its simple and lacks any sustaining action. The movie isnt scary, infact, if anything its just weird and gross. A little boy with a forced "creepy" voice and a hotel hallway flooding with blood? This movie gets way more credit than it deserves. When boiled down its just a haunted house movie, except in this case, a closed-down hotel. I know that those of you who have seen it will argue that the hotel isnt actually haunted at all, but since 99% of the movie takes place on the hotel property it definitley has that feeling. Having said all that, Jack Nicholson does deliver a fantastic performance, and may be the biggest redeeming quality of the entire movie. Nobody does a better over-the-top, almost cartoon-character-esque axe-murderer. Unfortunately his work is negated by the woman playing his hysterical wife whose name im not even going to bother looking-up. If you really want to be scared, watch "The Strangers" from 2008. That movie scared the piss out of me. Its short, suspenseful and maybe most importantly- believable. It's the kind of movie that you follow by checking the locks on the windows and making sure you have a round chambered in every gun you own. P.S.- The title of this post IS, in reality, a sarcastic attempt at a clever title. Get it? A killer?... Because its a horror movie...? Ah, forget it...

The Beginning...

Well, its here. Finally. This blog has been nothing more than an idea for at least a couple years until with a combination of some encouragement from friends and an all-around miserable life with nothing better to occupy my time, it becomes a reality. Beginnings are always tough. They can set a tone and build anticipation for great things to come or they can immediately sour a taste and taint an experience. Im hoping for a "Raiders of the Lost Ark" type of beginning where it starts off fast and gripping and just gets better, and hope to avoid something like "From Dusk Till Dawn" where the beginning introduces you to some great characters (Clooney and Tarantino) and wastes no time plummeting into a retarded plot about vampires at a truckstop. As made obivous by the title, this will be a mostly movie-based blog, but with intermittent off-topic thoughts (or complaints-as the case may dictate) throughout. The things I wirte about are strictly my opinion and come with an invitation to discuss or debate. The only thing I dont care to hear about is my writing, punctuation, sentence structure, spelling etc. Look, im not a journalist. Im just a fan of movies and a fan of subjecting people to my opinions on them. I barely have an education (thank you Solano County Unified) and so blog-construction is not my strong suit. But, if all goes according to plan I will string together a few entertaining sentences and simultaneously provide some informative material for those of you who are planning a Friday night consisting of curling up on the couch with a blanket and ice cream while enjoying a film.